Balance Is B.S.
The term 'work-life balance' is a triggering term for me. I don't often curse, but when this topic comes up I immediately and loudly declare "balance is bull $#%T!". Partly because I love alliteration, but also because I'm passionate about this topic and cursing is a great way to emphasize passion. The problem is the word balance. There are specific ideas and images that word evokes and none of them accurately represent what it means to work and live. Unless you're a practiced yogi, balancing on one foot often leads to falling on your face. Not a good outcome. Balance might remind you of an old school scale, where the objective is exactly equal weight on each side. Not the objective. Balance is also reminiscent of math, as in balancing an equation, where there is only one right answer. There isn't a magical math formula to solve this and the answer can and often does change. We need new words to talk about this. First, here is my philosophy.
There are events and times where it is important to be at home and there are events and times when it is important to be at work. Our job is to continuously prioritize these in a way that enables us to do both with the peace that comes with knowing we've acted in alignment with our values and given our best effort. We must decide what is most important and what is less important. If we don't actively participate in those decisions, it results in resentment or guilt because inevitably the choices that are made for us don't match up with our values and often create an overburden of unrealistic expectations.
A real-life example
Family dinner is a high priority to me and our family. There is significant research affirming the benefits of sharing meals. For kids it can lead to improved academic performance, higher self-esteem and resilience, and lower risk for negative behaviors. For these reasons, I don't stay late at work and I limit the number of after-work events I will accept. If there is something pressing that can't be wrapped up by 5:00, I still head home for dinner. If needed, I log in from home to finish work later that night or early the next morning but I don't let it interrupt our family meal. Dinnertime is a time of day when I prioritize life.
The other side of the equation
It's so fun to see my girls get off the bus and hear the excited stories from school. Their faces light up when they see me and there is something almost magical about that time of day. But the timing of the bus and after school routine is prime time for meetings, particularly with west coast colleagues. So we have a babysitter that handles bus stop pick up, homework, snack, and driving to and from activities. The afternoon is a time of day when I prioritize work.
Priorities are ever changing
These priorities will likely change over time and I've vowed not to hold onto anything too tightly. As my kids grow, I'm already seeing how the activities that they love will begin to displace family dinners more often. We will need to evolve our approach to family time. Not give it up, but change what it looks like. It could be family breakfast, game night, or weekly hikes. Who knows what it will be - but as much as I believe in the importance of family dinners I am committed to re-evaluating as other priorities gain in importance.
'Having it all' means having what aligns with your priorities
There was a sad realization during a night out with friends last month when every person there admitted that they felt like they were failing in some aspect of life. Someone asked an open-ended question "Does anyone feel like they are doing it all well?" Dead silence and looking at each other while I sheepishly held up my hand and said "I do". It came off like I was bragging and judging so I quickly qualified my statement - "I'm doing all the things that are important to me well." That's to say, there are many things that I suck at or just plain don't do because they aren't a priority. I don't consider that to be a failure. It's a conscious decision reflective of my ethos. Also… critically important… you are the only one that gets to decide what you prioritize. Don't let the perceived expectations of others or an idealized model of what you think you should be dictate how you prioritize your time. Decide what is important to you. For everything else, make like Elsa and let it go. It becomes easier to release yourself from the negative emotion of not meeting every expectation when you know that you've acted according to your values.
The new vocabulary
For years I've called it 'work life priorities' which is spot-on accurate as a description for what happens, but it feels cold and heartless to ever admit that your family isn't your priority. This term will never catch on. 'Work life harmony' came up in a conversation a few months ago. It's a little too hippy for my analytical corporate brain, but it's a great way to think about it and a much more palatable description of what we're all dealing with every day. Harmony is about agreement and peace. There is so much emotion tied up in the decisions we make around work and life. Being at peace with these decisions is important for mental health and happiness. The word harmony evokes the image of the Yin-Yang. Yin Yang is the idea of being in compliment, rather than opposition - yin brings out the best of yang and vice versa. This is true for me when it comes to work and life. Words matter. The term 'Work-Life Balance' needs to go. From now on I will be talking about 'Work-Life Harmony'.
I wish for you work-life harmony that is driven by your own values and conscious decision making.
Want to read more about the idea of work-life harmony? Check out these articles.
Life Balance is really more about Harmony, Forbes.com
Why we should seek Harmony, not Work-Life Balance, HuffPost
Other resources from this post
The Benefits of the Family Table, American College of Pediatricians
Yin Yang, a Symbol of Balance and Harmony, Fractal Enlightenment