How to talk big at a party
When you're the host of a podcast called The Opposite of Small Talk, you feel a special kind of pressure to deliver dazzling conversation at parties. People want to know, what is the opposite of small talk? And are we only having deep, introspective or philosophical discussions now? (No.) Let me be on the record to say that small talk is important. It's part of building familiarity with people. It's also the level of conversation that is appropriate for festive occasions and it can be fun! A holiday gathering is not the time to debate politics or delve into negative personal drama, no matter how familiar you are with the guests.
Levels of Conversation
Conversation can be categorized into graduating levels;
small talk
fact disclosure
viewpoints and opinions
personal feelings
As you get to know someone better, you unlock the next level of conversation. The relationship between familiarity, a spectrum from stranger to best friend, and conversation level. The more familiarity you have with someone, the deeper you can go in your conversation.
Talking Big
The question is how can we have small talk that is more interesting than the weather and more engaging than what you had for lunch that day? How do we talk big at parties while staying in the small talk / fact disclosure level of conversation? The answer lies in being curious, relating to others, and sharing interesting ideas.
"To be interesting, be interested." - Dale Carnagie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
How well do you really know your friends? What types of books do they read? Are they musical? What was their childhood like? What was the best thing that happened to them this year? People are so complex, interesting, and surprising. Even using small talk, you can ask open-ended questions to uncover things that you might not have otherwise learned. This is what I mean by talking big and being curious. It's the difference between asking 'Where are you from?' and asking 'What was your high school experience like?'
From there, how you respond to what they say makes all the difference in the type of conversation you have. Relate to what people are sharing with you! Either you have had a similar experience or a different one - add on to what they are saying or probe more about what they shared. Here is what this can look like:
Kristy: "Did you play any sports growing up?"
Friend: "I was on the diving team."
Kristy (Probe): "Wow! I only ever tried diving in high school gym class and was terrible at it. What is the training for that like? Is it repeatedly diving from the board? Or did you practice on mats ever? Were there other elements like strength training involved?"
OR
Kristy: "Did you play any sports growing up?"
Friend: "I played field hockey."
Kristy: "So did I, and I loved it. I played goalie. What position did you play?"
Friend: "I was the sweeper."
Kristy (Add On): "My sweeper was my favorite teammate! We were always the last line of defense and never wanted to let each other down. Did you have the same kind of experience?" and "It's been awhile since I've seen a game, in what ways do you think the sport has changed since we played?"
Third Things
With strangers and acquaintances in particular it can feel safer to have a non-personal, neutral topic to discuss. Daniel Menaker calls these "third things" in his book A Good Talk - "not me, not them, but something else."
My favorite kinds of third things are behavioral science studies; like the marshmallow test, the Milgram experiment, or Shrodinger’s cat. If you don't know what these are, invite me to a dinner party… or for the last one just watch this clip from The Big Bang Theory. But apparently not everyone likes to geek out on behavioral science so if I'm getting the glassy eyed look, my go to is "What are you watching, reading, or listening to these days?" Most people are doing at least one of those, so it’s easy for them to respond. It's a great question because it gives insights into who they are without them feeling like they have to take it to a personal level. And it’s easy to parlay the response into additional conversation. As a happy byproduct you could find a new show, book, podcast, or band to check out.
It’s that time of year when we have more gatherings than usual. Don’t waste them talking about the weather! Use these ideas to stay curious and talk big!